One morning, with the world going on as it should, food sellers out on the streets of Jakarta with their carts, the sun climbing slowly, I heard that one of Allah's servants had finished her journey in this world. What we talked about was her children and her husband, and how they would keep their lives going.

And for a moment I remembered walking back after my own father's funeral. Nobody spoke of his goodness beyond "he was a good man", "his passing was easy". We, his children, miss him, but we rarely talk about him. Almost five years have gone. How is his body now, under the ground where I stand and ask forgiveness for him and cry from missing him.

And when it is me down there, this body I have looked after will be broken apart by time. When there is nothing left of me but bones, who will come and pray for me.

So what is this dunya I am chasing, really? When the last breath goes out, so does everything I fought for.

I went looking for the key to happiness in the holy book, and it moved me to find that the word is only ever set beside paradise.

'What if happiness is only a false goal, sold to us by secularism?'

We feel that happiness when we own something. My family, my career, my wealth, my love, and whatever else has become mine.

And when Allah takes it back, the sense of having owned any of it leaves this heart in pieces. When that was the nature of dunya all along.

So what is it I keep chasing in this world?

My family? If it is not them who go, then it is me who will leave them.

My career? The moment what I know no longer keeps pace with the age, everything I worked for collapses.

My wealth? It is worth nothing before Allah on the day when only deeds are weighed.

My love? It leaves the moment patience, forgiveness and gratitude cannot be carried together.

And with everything attached to me pulled away, who am I before my Creator? What do I bring home?

مَا أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ إِلَّا فِي كِتَابٍ مِّن قَبْلِ أَن نَّبْرَأَهَا ۚ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ يَسِيرٌ ۝ لِّكَيْلَا تَأْسَوْا عَلَىٰ مَا فَاتَكُمْ وَلَا تَفْرَحُوا بِمَا آتَاكُمْ

No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being. Indeed that, for Allah, is easy. So that you will not grieve over what has escaped you, nor exult over what He has given you.

QS. Al-Hadid: 22-23